Baby on the way

No, it's not mine but I couldn't be happier!!  One of my very best friends is expecting a December baby!  The happy couple just recently announced it publicly but I've known for some time now.  Last time I posted here, I was worried that I may be pregnant myself but as it turns out, it's just not my time.  This is actually the outcome I was expecting because I'm still somewhat struggling with the loss of my own little December angel. 

When she first told me the news of her pregnancy, I was really excited for her but I was also a tad bit worried that she would go through what I had to experience.  I wasn't trying to spoil the moment but I honestly couldn't help it.  I had to force that fear into submission immediately and instead focus on the positive, happy emotions I felt because the last thing I'd want to do is ruin this perfectly joyous announcement.  Thankfully, Mom and baby are doing great and that's all that matters!

Later on when I was back home, I said a little prayer for the newest mommy to be and it almost brought tears to my eyes as I briefly imagined how life could've been if things had turned out different.  Our kids would've been only a year apart, sharing a birthday in the same month (same as us since she and I are both April babies), and of course growing up together to become the best of friends.  As much as it pains me to think of all that I've lost, it gladdens me to think of all the wonderful things to come for her.  In the end, I think this event makes me feel a little more hopeful than I've felt in a long time.

I'm Back

It's hard to believe that almost a year has passed since I had to say goodbye to my little December angel.  It has definitely been one of the worst times of my life and it still feels sooo familiar, almost like it happened yesterday.

I honestly wonder how long it takes before it gets easier.  Actually, I have to say that I do a kick ass job of hiding the sadness and fear.  Just this past weekend, Leo was saying how happy he was that I overcame it all and how I'm so much stronger now because of it.  I just sat there thinking, really, is that what it looks like?  How can I appear so put together, confident, and cheerful, yet feel so undone, sad and afraid?  I guess the truth of the matter is that I have so much dependent on me that I don't really have a choice but to keep on moving.  The way I see it is, I can live with the heartache as long as I can spare anyone else the pain.  But lately, it's getting harder to hold back.

Since the first time I got my dot after the miscarriage until about last March (does that even make sense?), my dot has been somewhat normal. Not exactly clockwork, but pretty predictable.  I use an app on my phone called MyDays to track the days but for some odd reason, I failed to enter the dates for my March dot.  It's happened before and normally I just catch up the following month.  No big deal, right?  Wrong, it's now May 7 and I'm still waiting!  The possibility that I could get pregnant the traditional way is almost out of the question, but still, since we don't use any kind of birth control I took a drugstore brand pregnancy test on April 30 just to be sure.  It came up negative, which was perfect because I don't think I'm ready to start all over yet.  That was about a week ago and today, in a burst of anxiety, I took to the internet to assess the situation.  Boy, was I surprised to read that so many women got false negatives on a pregnancy test!  Not only that, but that blood tests even give false negatives sometimes.  Some women have claimed not to have gotten a confirmed pregnancy result until several weeks later.  Now I sit here even more confused than when I started.  I guess my next move will be to try to take another test and then make a doctor appointment.  Maybe next time I should spring for a better brand test like First Response or Clear Blue, but I really didn't think it would make a difference.  The box I bought had 2 so I might as well just use the one I already have and see what happens.  I think I'll put if off until next weekend since this Thursday, Leo and I will be celebrating our 4 year wedding anniversary.  We just celebrated the fact that we've been together for 10 years now, last week on May 3!!  It's so crazy how time flies.

Coping

My apologies, it's been several months since I've visited this blog.  At first it was because I became suddenly too busy for it with all the excitement of the baby but, in the blink of an eye it was all gone.  My husband and I received the most heartbreaking news that our precious baby was not going to make it.  I honestly still can't grasp the reality of it all but I've decided that I will not abandon the blog and keep writing my story, as difficult as it is.  I'm not ready to get into detail yet but I'm promising myself that in time I will.  I believe it will help with the healing process.

6 Weeks

Your Baby in Week 6 of Pregnancy

You might be coping with full-blown pregnancy symptoms (sorry), but there's plenty of good news too. Your baby's jaw, cheeks, chin, eyes, ears, and nose are beginning to form what will eventually become one adorable face. In addition, her kidneys, liver, and lungs are developing, and her heart is now beating 80 times a minute (and getting faster every day). All this and she's still no bigger than the length of a nail head (about a quarter of an inch) from crown to rump!


Your Body in Week 6 of Pregnancy

Your body may not yet have changed on the outside, but there's a lot happening on the inside. For one thing, the pregnancy hormone hCG is causing an increase of blood flow to your pelvic area, and your kidneys are becoming more efficient at ridding your body of waste; add to that the fact that your growing uterus is beginning to push down on your bladder and you've got a perfect (pee) storm. What else is going on in there? Bloating, queasiness, and cravings (or food aversions).


So far so good.  I haven't had any increasingly bad symptoms and I still feel the same for the most part, thank goodness.  I have noticed that most of my jeans are REALLY tight on me now.  It doesn't help that I used to wear them fitted to begin with but now I have no wiggle room whatsoever.  I'm basically living in stretchy leggings and sweatpants until I start shopping for actual maternity clothes.  Leo and I went to see Dr. R today and he says everything is going well.  He also told us that my official due date is December 19th and we are really excited that our baby will be spending his/her 1st Christmas with us this year!

Singleton

Well, I'll start by admitting I was a teeny bit disappointed when Dr. R said there was only one sac in the ultrasound, but I'm gonna focus on the positive... I've got a little growing baby in me!!  My hubby and I were so anxious all week knowing that today we would see our little one again for the first time since my transfer.  I actually sprung out of bed the moment my nyan cat alarm tune sounded, which is rare for me, and got ready ASAP.  We got to the office at exactly 7:30 am but actually held off for a few minutes because the Z100 phone tap started playing.  (The phone taps are basically phone pranks that listeners request the radio personalities play on others to make them really angry; they record the calls and play them on the air so everyone can hear how crazy people react.)  As excited as we were, we could not miss that radio bit.  It was so hilarious, it took my mind off of all the craziness going on in my mind.  When we got upstairs, we waited for about a half hour for Dr. R to see us and he said everything looks good and that it's still too early for a <3 beat, but that he could see a small flutter in the yolk sac.  He took measurements of everything, gave us a photo to take home, and since we had no more questions, we said goodbye and he left the room.  When the Doc left, Leo and I took a private moment to celebrate the good news and stare at the growing little one in the picture.  We are so happy that our baby is doing well and that we have nothing to worry about.  It gives me such peace of mind.  I'll finish off by including our baby's second picture ever, enjoy!

Our baby is in the small black circle in the middle of the pic :-)

Prenatal Vitamins

I've been taking prenatal vitamins since the beginning of my pregnancy now and I didn't really understand the importance of it until I started doing some research.  One little pill really packs a punch.  It contains a large variety of vitamins and minerals that basically provide everything necessary for a mommy to be and her growing baby.  Although, your body is supposed to get all its nutrition from the foods you eat, when you're pregnant the baby absorbs a lot of nutrients from you and in turn, you end up tired and feeling weaker.  The prenatal vitamins give moms the boost they need to keep both of them healthy.  My doc prescribed me Vitafol-One and luckily it hasn't caused any bad side effects which could include nausea, vomiting, and dizziness.  Here's some more specific information on the importance of prenatal vitamins for all those future mommies.

"Folic acid can reduce your risk of having a baby with a serious birth defect of the brain and spinal cord, called the ‘neural tube.’ A baby with spina bifida, the most common neural tube defect, is born with a spine that is not closed. The exposed nerves are damaged, leaving the child with varying degrees of paralysis, incontinence, and sometimes mental retardation.

Neural tube defects develop in the first 28 days after conception, before many women realise they are pregnant. Because about half of all pregnancies are unplanned, the Department of Health recommends that you take 400 micrograms of folic acid each day while you are trying to conceive, and should continue taking this dose for the first 12 weeks of pregnancy. . A woman who has had a prior child with a neural tube defect should discuss the appropriate dose of folic acid with her doctor before her next pregnancy. Studies have shown that taking a larger dose (up to 4,000 micrograms) at least one month before and during the first trimester may be beneficial.

There are natural sources of folic acid: green leafy vegetables, nuts, beans, and citrus fruits. It is also found in many fortified breakfast cereals and some vitamin supplements.

Calcium during pregnancy can prevent a new mother from losing her own bone density, as the foetus uses the mineral for bone growth.

Iron helps both the mother and baby's blood carry oxygen.

While a daily vitamin supplement is no substitute for a healthy diet, most women need supplements to make sure they get adequate levels of these minerals."
Source: Yahoo

5 Weeks

Appleseed

Your Baby in Week 5 of Pregnancy

Your baby now resembles a teeny tadpole (complete with a tiny tail) and is about the size of an orange seed. The circulatory (or blood) system, along with the heart, is the first part of that tiny body to be functional; and as your baby's heart starts to form, you may even be able to see it beating on an early ultrasound. Another part of your little tadpole that is under construction: the neural tube, which will eventually become your baby's brain and spinal cord.


Your Body in Week 5 of Pregnancy

Your body's had all the early pregnancy signs — the missed period, nausea, tender breasts, and fatigue. And now you've got proof as your pee works its magic on that test strip — yup, you're officially preggers! This news will probably elicit a combo platter of emotions ranging from sheer joy to sheer terror as the reality that you're going to be a mom sets in. Mood swings are totally normal (kind of like PMS on overdrive) and you'd better get used to them since they'll be hanging around for the next nine months or so.
Source: What to expect

Ok, so now I know for sure that women get weird cravings when they're pregnant.  The other day I would not be satisfied unless I had tuna with tomatoes, corn, and mayo!  It probably sounds disgusting to most people, but I needed it so much that my mouth was watering at the thought of it, lol.  In addition to the weird cravings, I've also felt like going to the potty much more often than usual.  My bladder just isn't what it used to be, especially in the mornings.  I feel like I have to run to the bathroom as soon as I wake up, if I don't already get woken up for having to go.  Aside from the nausea I felt 2 Saturdays ago, I only felt sick once more yesterday afternoon, but eating saltines and ginger ale helped curb the queasy feelings.