In Loving Memory

Lilypie Trying to Conceive Event tickers

Friday, May 31, 2013

Baby on the way

No, it's not mine but I couldn't be happier!!  One of my very best friends is expecting a December baby!  The happy couple just recently announced it publicly but I've known for some time now.  Last time I posted here, I was worried that I may be pregnant myself but as it turns out, it's just not my time.  This is actually the outcome I was expecting because I'm still somewhat struggling with the loss of my own little December angel. 

When she first told me the news of her pregnancy, I was really excited for her but I was also a tad bit worried that she would go through what I had to experience.  I wasn't trying to spoil the moment but I honestly couldn't help it.  I had to force that fear into submission immediately and instead focus on the positive, happy emotions I felt because the last thing I'd want to do is ruin this perfectly joyous announcement.  Thankfully, Mom and baby are doing great and that's all that matters!

Later on when I was back home, I said a little prayer for the newest mommy to be and it almost brought tears to my eyes as I briefly imagined how life could've been if things had turned out different.  Our kids would've been only a year apart, sharing a birthday in the same month (same as us since she and I are both April babies), and of course growing up together to become the best of friends.  As much as it pains me to think of all that I've lost, it gladdens me to think of all the wonderful things to come for her.  In the end, I think this event makes me feel a little more hopeful than I've felt in a long time.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

I'm Back

It's hard to believe that almost a year has passed since I had to say goodbye to my little December angel.  It has definitely been one of the worst times of my life and it still feels sooo familiar, almost like it happened yesterday.

I honestly wonder how long it takes before it gets easier.  Actually, I have to say that I do a kick ass job of hiding the sadness and fear.  Just this past weekend, Leo was saying how happy he was that I overcame it all and how I'm so much stronger now because of it.  I just sat there thinking, really, is that what it looks like?  How can I appear so put together, confident, and cheerful, yet feel so undone, sad and afraid?  I guess the truth of the matter is that I have so much dependent on me that I don't really have a choice but to keep on moving.  The way I see it is, I can live with the heartache as long as I can spare anyone else the pain.  But lately, it's getting harder to hold back.

Since the first time I got my dot after the miscarriage until about last March (does that even make sense?), my dot has been somewhat normal. Not exactly clockwork, but pretty predictable.  I use an app on my phone called MyDays to track the days but for some odd reason, I failed to enter the dates for my March dot.  It's happened before and normally I just catch up the following month.  No big deal, right?  Wrong, it's now May 7 and I'm still waiting!  The possibility that I could get pregnant the traditional way is almost out of the question, but still, since we don't use any kind of birth control I took a drugstore brand pregnancy test on April 30 just to be sure.  It came up negative, which was perfect because I don't think I'm ready to start all over yet.  That was about a week ago and today, in a burst of anxiety, I took to the internet to assess the situation.  Boy, was I surprised to read that so many women got false negatives on a pregnancy test!  Not only that, but that blood tests even give false negatives sometimes.  Some women have claimed not to have gotten a confirmed pregnancy result until several weeks later.  Now I sit here even more confused than when I started.  I guess my next move will be to try to take another test and then make a doctor appointment.  Maybe next time I should spring for a better brand test like First Response or Clear Blue, but I really didn't think it would make a difference.  The box I bought had 2 so I might as well just use the one I already have and see what happens.  I think I'll put if off until next weekend since this Thursday, Leo and I will be celebrating our 4 year wedding anniversary.  We just celebrated the fact that we've been together for 10 years now, last week on May 3!!  It's so crazy how time flies.