Proven Otherwise

Sadly, I received word that my beta resulted in a BFN.  I'm devastated and angry, but it is what it is.  I did everything I could, but in the end it was not enough.  I don't think we'll be trying again, so I guess I'm done here.  I need time to reevaluate my life and try to move on from this loss as difficult as it is. 

I wish everyone on this journey all the best and I'm thankful for the hope this blogging community has shared through their stories.  Good wishes to all!

1.5 WW

I'll begin by confessing that I am one impatient, pregnant until proven otherwise (PUPO) lady.  I caved in and took the pregnancy test today, which revealed a BFN!  I know it's probably too soon but I am going for my first beta test tomorrow, so why not?  I'm not discouraged or upset, so no harm done.  I'll wait for more official results tomorrow.  Lucky for me, it's not a whole 2 weeks of waiting.

This past week was a rollercoaster!  The first 3 days following the transfer were great.  I was home from work, had the love and support of my family who came over to bring food and help out, and celebrated my 31st birthday on Wednesday, April 16!  On the 4th day, however, I had a little scare, well, maybe a big scare.  I was relaxing on the couch after work, when I went to get up for a juice refill.  Just as I tried to stand, my little French bulldog knocked my foot out from under me and I fell face down to the floor.  Before I could even get up, I started crying in fear that I'd hurt my embabies.  It took awhile for my DH to console me and convince me that everything would be ok, but even now I wonder... and pray for their health and well being. 

The next day, I had a cyst check with Dr. R and I told him about the fall, of course.  He reassured me that as long as I don't have any pain or bleeding, he agrees with my DH and I should be fine, but to call the office if I have any other concerns.  He also informed me that my ovaries were fine and there weren't any cysts present.  Later on that afternoon, Jen called to tell me that my progesterone levels were low according to my blood work from that morning and that I should discontinue the progesterone suppositories to immediately begin 2 CC's of progesterone injections daily.  She said I shouldn't be concerned and that on April 23rd I could come in for my first beta test.  Oh, really?!  Who wouldn't be concerned?!  I freaked out (again) but luckily I have my DH who can pretty much talk me off a ledge.  These injections are really painful but I'd do anything for my embabies. 

The weekend brought some fun times as we continued my birthday celebrations at my favorite restaurant Que Pasta on Saturday followed by some drinks a bar, 3 Wise Monks.  Before anyone assumes I had alcohol, I didn't, I only had OJ.  My DH had some beers with his friends, which I personally don't mind because I think it'd be unfair to ask him to give up something that has no effect on me or our embabies whatsoever.  Others might not agree but it doesn't bother me.  The next day, in some ironic twist, I felt as if I'd gotten wasted at the bar.  I was nauseous and my head hurt but I just kept thinking these must be good signs.  Maybe even early pregnancy symptoms!  I'm keeping my head up and hope for the best tomorrow!

CD #22 / TRANSFER (2nd Attempt)

They're here!!  Everything went as successfully as expected once I got to the hospital. This afternoon at around 1pm, I was reunited with my last 2 perfect little embryos.  Those were Dr. R's actual words and I couldn't agree more.

They are perfect; twin celestial bodies of love and light; my worlds of wonder and hope.  Although I do not feel any different than the day before, I am filled with the realization that I have a greater purpose in this lifetime.  Even if I experience the same heartbreak as with my first 2 embabies, I have fulfilled my job as a mother loving and nurturing them the best I could however short our time was. This time the outcome will be different, I feel.  I waited two long years since the last pregnancy to get here but finally my faith is renewed and my strength will not falter to any negativity that may arise.  I am devoted to my 2 embabies with all the love in my heart and humbly pray that this journey lasts for many years to come.  Words can never accurately describe how I feel on this blog, but I know my embabies can feel my love within me and that's all I could really ask for.

Baby Dust Needed

I'm waking up in 5 hours to get ready for my FET transfer... I'm beyond excited although I wish I could sleep right now. I got almost everything done that I'd wanted to do prior to the big day: laundry, grocery shopping, food prep, cleaning, etc. I'm planning to finish up later, before 11am, because that's the time we need to leave.

It's now 3:10!  I have changed my mind about continuing to blog at this very moment so I'll be back later. What I need to do is try harder to get some rest.  The irony of that last statement is not lost on me, lol!

CD # 19 / 3 Days Left

The countdown is on and there's so much to do before my transfer. Problem is, I'm so beat right now from working a 10.25 hour shift standing with only one 45 minute break, I can barely function.  I also work tomorrow morning until 1: 30pm so getting anything done today is completely out of the question, but it still annoys me.  Luckily, I blog mostly from my phone or I wouldn't even bother with this post, lol. 

Tomorrow night, most of family will be getting together at my favorite restaurant, Que Pasta, to celebrate my birthday.  Even with all I have going on I could never pass up the opportunity to go eat there, the food is amazing!  Monday thru Wednesday I'll be out of commission and home in bed (which is awesome) but seeing as how Wednesday is also my actual birthday, it means I have to be prepared for some unexpected visitors.  Thus, I have a very small window of time to accomplish all the things on my to-do list.  3 MORE DAYS!!!

CD #18 / Pineapples

It's that time of the year.  As my birthday rapidly approaches, so does my transfer day.  I received final confirmation yesterday that it will definitely be on Monday, April 14 at 12:30 at the Fairlawn Surgical Center where I had my IVF retrieval and transfer done 2 years ago.  I also had some more blood work and a sonogram done.  Those results came back positive, as usual, so I was given a whole new set of instructions for my meds.  I took my last Lupron injection yesterday but will to continue to do the Wednesday/ Saturday Delestrogen injections.  Beginning today, I will also be taking Methylprednisolone pills 2x a day and half of a Progesterone suppository at night before bed.  I have to say I'm really glad to start cutting back on the amount of shots I've been doing because I was feeling like a human pin cushion!  Luckily, it seems that the injections didn't hurt as much this time around compared to 2 years ago.

I've arranged to sign all the necessary paperwork on Monday morning an hour before the procedure so I don't take too much more time away from work.  I'll be out for 3 days total and I get to spend my birthday at home with my growing family.  My DH and I are really excited and have prepared for the big day by taking a trip to our local grocery store to stock up on lots of fresh fruits and veggies perfect for preggos.  The most important item: PINEAPPLE!  I read that it's supposed to be a great aid in
the implantation of the embryos so it was definitely a must buy.  I'm not entirely sure if there's any truth to it, but it can't hurt to try anyway and I love pineapples!

FYI:  You have to get 1 pineapple and cut it into 5 equal slices like the photo. You then eat each slice once a day beginning the day of the transfer until they're all gone. The most important part is to eat the core of the pineapple because it contains bromelain, which acts as an anti-inflammatory and increases cervical mucus.  It also helps to eat it on an empty stomach. Here's hoping this tip helps!

April Fool

I went to the doctors office early this morning for more blood work, but before I could walk out the door... April fool!  The nurse says I have to stay for an ultrasound too.  Not that I have the best memory but I swear that's not what Jen said last week.  I don't really mind these tests anymore, I only wish I'd been told ahead of time so I didn't have to speed to get to work on time.  Luckily, it was quick, everything looks good so far, and I made it to work early.

Later on this afternoon I received a call from Jen letting me know that I should continue with the same dosages of Lupron and Delestrogen.  She also says that Dr. R would like me to go back next Wednesday for more blood work and another sonogram.  Not only that, but it appears I now have a tentative date for my transfer: Monday, April 14.  It just so happens that my birthday is on April 16 which means I get to spend it with my little ones, the best gift I could think of!  It's both exciting and nerve wrecking but I truly cannot wait!  

They are so close, yet so far away.

Tap That App

In a previous post, I'd included a link to several fertility/ pregnancy apps that I thought could come in handy.  Although I did mention that most of them are for after you become pregnant, I found a very useful one for keeping track of your cycle during the time being.  I used to have the MyDays app when I had my old phone and I only used it to log the beginning and end of my period so that it could tell me roughly when my next cycle would start.  While it served its purpose, I guess I never really knew what I was missing.  Now that I had to go ahead and download all my apps onto my iPhone, I decided to try the WomanLog app from the link instead of MyDays.

What I love most about WomanLog is the calendar screen (on the left) because it tells you at a glance what cycle day it is in parenthesis next to the actual date.  As usual, it's always the little things that make me the happiest!  On this screen, the different smiley faces indicate that you've set a mood.  The days with flower petals/ flowers in the bottom right corner mean these are your most fertile days for those trying to conceive naturally.  The little people with a red belly indicate you reported a symptom that day, but you could also click more than one if need be.  The dates fully colored show the days you were on your period and as you can see the cycle resets on the first day.  Today is CD lucky #7 mostly because I consider myself lucky that I don't have a headache from taking the Delestrogen yesterday!  As a matter of fact, I think I'll add a smiley face to this date.  Another feature I almost forgot to mention is the fact that I can add daily notes.  Those show up on the calendar as little conversation bubbles.  I especially like to use these for documenting the meds I'm taking.

The WomanLog app does a great job of logging the dates of my period just like my old app but it does so much more.  It has options for tracking your weight, BMT, mood, symptoms, if you had sex or if you've taken the pill (right photo).  Needless to say, I heart this app!  It allows me to do do much at the touch of a finger, making my already busy life a little easier. 

CD #5 / Let's Catch Up

Not too much has changed since my little pups birthday but I have some updates.  We had a nice relaxing weekend because I actually had the day off on Saturday.  My mom and bro were kind enough to visit us and bring lunch on Sunday, which made us very happy since we got to eat some buñuelos (the Colombian kind).  If you don't know what it is, you are really missing out.  I wish I'd taken a picture or something but they were gone pretty quick.  Sadly, we don't get to eat as much South American food as we'd like so when we do, we dig in!  FYI, my family is from Peru on both sides and my mother in law's family is Colombian and my father in law's family is from Brazil.  Ok, so let's get back to TTC updates.  Warning: the following my be a tad bit graphic for some readers.

Monday, 3/24, became CD #1 again as it was the day I got my monthly visit from AF.  Unfortunately, I was totally unprepared for it because I wasn't expecting it at all.  Although I hadn't brought any tampons with me, at least I had a change of undies in my purse.  Not that all the symptoms weren't there, they were... the cramps, the bloating, the soreness in my boobs not to mention how full they get, but apparently I was too preoccupied to notice.  Even though I'd been on the Lupron for just under 2 weeks now, AF was pretty much like normal only a bit thicker on that first day.

Wednesday, 3/26, was my scheduled appointed for blood work and a sonogram.  It was such a hectic day because I had to make the appointment for 7:30am, which is their opening time, since I had to be at work at 8:30am.  I was actually so nervous about getting there late that I mistakenly thought I had to be there at 7am instead.  Clearly, I arrived very early but, the staff were all ready to help and didn't make me wait until their official opening time.  The first part was the blood work which I never have any complaints about because they do a great job of drawing blood without causing any bruising.  The next part was the transvaginal sonogram which is never any fun because even though they're all professionals, it's awkward to lie there half naked with my legs open in those stirrups.  The good news is that Dr R said everything appeared to be in perfect condition thus far.  Later on in the day, I got a call from Jen, my primary nurse from Dr R's office, who said the blood results were also positive and that I could now reduce my Lupron dosage to 10 units and begin the Delestrogen shots biweekly on Wednesday and Saturday at .6 ML.  These shots have to be taken in the upper butt area so I would have to drive to my Mom's to have her do it.  After work, I went home to get the meds and my DH was nice enough to offer to drive me to my Mom's for my shot, after picking her up from an optometrist appointment, after picking up my brother from work.  It'd been a really long time since I'd had this shot done and I'll admit I was freaking out a little about how much bigger the needle is next to the Lupron needle.  Turns out, the needle wasn't the bad part at all.

Thursday, 2/27, was the worst day of the week for me.  I woke up with a terrible headache only to have it bother me all day long no matter how many pain relievers I took.  While I was worried about the pain in the butt (literally) shot, I hadn't even considered the side effects I'd have for taking the Delestrogen.  The headache I had was so bad it actually hurt to blink!  At the end of the day, I was so happy to finally be home that I made dinner, ate, and went to bed early hoping to sleep it off.

Friday, 2/28 (today), was much better.  I woke up feeling normal again and well rested at that.  I worked long hours but at least I didn't feel like someone had banged my head against the wall.  My only fear is that on Sunday I'll end up feeling the like crap since I'll be taking the Delestrogen shot again tomorrow.  Let's hope I don't but if I do, I'll just keep telling myself it's only a small part of something wonderful to come.  Trying very hard to stay calm and positive!

Brodi Turns 3

This post is dedicated to my little Frenchie, Brodi.  He's such a brat sometimes but I love him nonetheless.  I can't believe 3 years have gone by so fast and hope that time somehow slows down so that we can enjoy the days we spend together a little more.  Our future baby will be lucky to have buddies like him and Rennie.  I'll let the pictures do the talking on this one... a year in the life of my fur baby.  Happy 3rd Birthday Brodi!!!  I LOVE YOU!!!

SMILE!

 Hogging all the toys.

Brushing his teeth like a good boy.

Playing fetch, lol.

Plotting something mischievous.

Sleeping with his tongue out.

Making tiny snowballs.

Turn to the Dark Side

My little Android, I have loved you so much these past 2 years.  It breaks my heart that I must let you go, but alas I have turned to the dark side... (see the Star Wars reference) and bought the iPhone.  

I'm being overly dramatic, I know, but I will miss it for several reasons.  I will miss they way I could swipe over the letters to create words instead of tapping each one.  I will miss the way I could hard press the top row QWERTY keys to insert numbers.  I will miss the alarm setting that tells me how much time I have until it sounds.  I will miss the timer setting on the camera.  I will miss the big clock/weather app on the main screen instead of all those little app widgets.  So, remind me why I got this phone?!  J/k actually, I very excited about my newest device.  My DH has had the iPhone for about a year now so I do have some experience handling it.  I don't mind the changes too much since I've had so much time to do a trial run with his.  I'm pretty sure there are apps to get back most of the things I miss about my old phone or I'll just get used to the new stuff but for now I'm really enjoying it!  Plus, did I mention it was completely FREE!  Got to love that!  Will definitely add pics when I get my cases.  I also forgot to mention this pin about recommended apps for pregnancy.  Just keep in mind that most are for after you actually become pregnant.

http://pinterest.com/pin/212584044885432205/

Movies for Days

This past Saturday, my DH and I had invited another couple over for a movie night.  We spent some time cleaning the house earlier and I was so proud to have it complimented for its tidiness.  I believe the phrase used was "OMG, your house is spotless!  I'm really impressed!"  I'm actually still smiling about this because it really means the world to me that people notice how much time and effort goes into keeping a clean home.  As much of a pain it is to do chores, I'm going to try to make sure I keep with it to avoid added stress during these times.  A clean home is a happy home, right?

The main attraction Saturday night was Star Wars IV: A New Hope, since surprisingly the guy had never seen any of the Star Wars movies.  We ordered pizza, had some beers (except me), and had a really great time.  So much so, that I almost forgot to do my injection.  If it wasn't for the girl's phone reminder to take her birth control which actually reminded me about my Lupron, I might have missed it.  Now, I'm taking her example and setting an reminder on my own phone.  Movie night was such a success that we're actually planning to have more until we finish watching all of the Star Wars films.

Apparently movie night turned into movie weekend because the next day my DH and I were being couch potatoes and watched movies all day long.  Sunday, I woke up and began the day with some relaxing yoga before making a pancake breakfast.  See my cute mat on the left, so cheerful in the sun!  Then, we watched the Great Gatsby on HBO which I'd been highly anticipating.  I remember enjoying the book as a kid but not well enough to compare it to the movie.  In general, the movie was great but I expected the music to go with the era it was set in, instead it had one too many Jay Z songs, in my opinion.  Next, we watched A Good Day to Die Hard.  It was actually my second time watching it but honestly, I was so tired the first time that I fell asleep in the theatre.  If you've seen it already, you probably think I'm weird for being able to sleep though all those explosions and gunshots but this is actually very normal for me.  I can sleep though just about ANYTHING.  Now that I've seen it, I'm glad I stayed awake this time.  Last and certainly not least, the movie of the night was the Academy Award winning, 12 Years a Slave.  I'm not going to give away any spoilers but this is an amazing and inspiring film.  If you're anything like me, have some tissues handy too.  I can get so emotional when I watch sad movies but it's hard not to get enthralled in this unbelievable story no matter how tough you are.  Definitely a must see!

Which brings us to today.  What began as a bad day turned out pretty good.  Nothing major so I won't divulge, just little annoyances that I couldn't avoid.  At the end of it all, I came home to a fridge full of groceries, dinner ready to be served (both thanks to my DH), and the added bonus of a day off from work tomorrow.  So as you can see, things in my world are back to normal for the time being.  Let's hope they stay that way!

CD #22 / Lupron

Quick check in, I finally received my box of meds and can begin taking my Lupron injections.  I will be taking 20 units daily in the abdomen for two weeks.  Then, 14 days from today, I will go back to the office for blood work and a sonogram to get further instructions.  I have another post from my IVF cycle with info on the drug if you need it.  I'm really excited that it's here because I'm already a day behind.  Praying for the best!

CD #21

I was supposed to receive my package of meds to get started for this FET cycle about a week ago and here I am on CD #21 empty handed.  This post should be about how it's my first day taking the Lupron injections and my excitement about starting the cycle,  but that will have to wait.  It's very hard not to stress out while my pharmacy takes it's sweet time to send out my meds in a timely manner.  I've been on the phone with them and my doctor's office pretty much everyday trying to sort it all out.  First, they delay submitting the request that my doctor's office faxed over.  Then, they denied my coverage over some minor paperwork error, yet didn't inform either myself or my doctor's office.  I had to call to find out, and when the office sends over an amended form with the correct information, they don't tell us that it had to be sent on a different "appeal" form until I called again to check the status of my order.  Once all that paperwork is sorted out, they send the office a confirmation of approval and the nurse calls to tell me that I should be getting the package today.  Of course when I get home there's no package to speak of and when I call the pharmacy they tell me they'll have to transfer me to someone else to schedule the shipment, meaning if I hadn't called it'd probably never come.  They finally confirm that it will arrive tomorrow and the doctor's office informs me that it is ok to start the injections a day late.  At least the whole cycle isn't ruined but I'm very disappointed with the runaround the pharmacy put me through.  Is it too much to ask that meds be delivered on time?  God forbid I was dying,  I wouldn't be here right now if it was up to them.  Anyway, I'm ranting.  I just wanted to note that my last post will come in handy now as I am in serious need of de-stressing and relaxation.  Off to find my yoga mat.

Yoga while TTC

As I am now beginning to embark on this incredible journey of trying to conceive again, I wanted to try something new that would allow me to relax my body and get into a calm and stress-free state of mind.  Balancing work and home is difficult enough without throwing doctor visits and daily meds in the picture so a change was definitely in order.  Yoga was something I'd wanted to try for a while for all the reasons I just mentioned and since things are about to get so much more hectic now that the FET process is officially underway, I figured I should start as soon as possible.  Recently, I stumbled upon a video by ABC news that featured fertility yoga and I'm really excited about it.  Keep in mind that fertility yoga isn't some cure for infertility, it just helps women trying to conceive (whether it's through infertility treatments or not) by creating a comfort zone that releases all the stress and worry of trying to conceive.     

I'm going to put it out there and say that I do not exercise at all and haven't really done it since 2009 (the year I got married), but I didn't really approach this as physical exercise so much as spiritual exercise.  So for those of you hesitant to try it, remember it's all about your perception.  If you focus on the positive effects and results, it becomes easier to do than if you just think of it as another chore or task to finish.  When I began, I chose a quiet Sunday morning while my hubby and dogs were still asleep to set up in the living room and begin my stretches.  I performed a simple 20 minute routine from a Youtube video titled Yoga for Relaxation which I loved and highly recommend.  The yoga instructor has such a nice way of coaching you through the process while still relaxing your mind.  My experience was very calming and the only downside was I didn't have a yoga mat which made some poses a little difficult since my wood floor was very cold and hard, so I definitely recommend getting one first.  I even took some time afterward to just lie on the floor (my body had warmed up by then) and enjoy the peaceful environment I'd just created.  Since then I've purchased my very own yoga mat and look forward to making this a regular part of my Sundays.  Maybe more, once I get the hang of it.  I'm including the video below for anyone interested, enjoy!  

TMI TAG

Recently, a friend of mine that has a beauty blog posted a video response for a TMI TAG.  I thought I'd give it a go on the blog as a "get to know me" type of post.  Sorry, there's no video because I'm not that good in front of a camera.  Who knows maybe in the future.

TMI TAG QUESTIONS:
1: What are you wearing?  My little mermaid tee, sweat pants, and a black sweater.  See pic below.
2: Ever been in love?  Of course, I'm married!
3: Ever had a terrible breakup?  I wouldn't say terrible but I've never had a good breakup.  Has anyone?
4: How tall are you?  5' 2
5: How much do you weigh?  127, wish it was a little less.
6: Any tattoos?  Just one, a nautical star on my lower back (right side).  It's pink fading into purple from the center to the points.
7: Any piercings?  Just my ears right now.  My belly ring was removed during my first pregnancy.
8: OTP?  I had to google this.  It stands for one true pairing but I still don't get it.
9: Favorite show?  Just finished watching Breaking Bad and Dexter, so sad about that.  Still watching Grey's Anatomy, Sons of Anarchy, True Detective, Game of Thrones, Boardwalk Empire, Walking Dead, Scandal, the Following, anything with Chef Gordon Ramsey, so much more!!
10: Favorite bands?  MCR, Linkin Park, System of a Down, Metallica and my husband would kill me if I didn't say, Savage Regime!
11: Something you miss?  I miss my Mom mostly since I've left home.
12: Favorite song?  Don't think I have one.
13: How old are you?  30
14: Zodiac sign?  Aries
15: Quality you look for in a partner?  Honesty, most of all.
16: Favorite Quote?  Don't know.
17: Favorite actor?  Right now, I'd have to say Matthew McConaughey.  His performance in Magic Mike was cinematic perfection, j/k.  We just saw Dallas Buyers Club and it was amazing, definitely worth the Oscar win.  I'm also enjoying him in True Detective on HBO.
18: Favorite color?  I'm girly, it's pink.  When I feel grown and sexy it's red.

19: Loud music or soft?  Definitely loud, did you read #10.
20: Where do you go when you’re sad?  Home, my pups always make me smile and so does my hubby.
21: How long does it take you to shower?  About 20 mins.
22: How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?  About an hour.  I move really slow in the am.
23: Ever been in a physical fight?  Not yet.
24: Turn on?  Eyes always catch my attention first.  My husband has light brown/greenish eyes, which I love.
25: Turn off?  I'm very picky so anyone who looks a mess or unhygienic.
26: The reason I joined Youtube?  I'll substitute blogging in general.  I started because I wanted to document my journey with TTC.
27: Fears?  That my next pregnancy won't be successful.  It's kinda my last chance.
28: Last thing that made you cry?  Last Christmas while decorating, I found a little Santa hat that was supposed to be for my little Angel.  The memories were overwhelming and I couldn't help crying.
29: Last time you said you loved someone?  A few hours ago to a friend's little one year old baby.
30: Meaning behind your YouTube Name?  N/A
31: Last book you read?  Probably a Twilight book, don't judge.
32: The book you’re currently reading?  None at the moment, but I do want to pick up a few pregnancy books I've had my eyes on.
33: Last show you watched?  Grey's Anatomy
34: Last person you talked to?  My husband who is right next to me.
35: The relationship between you and the person you last texted?  Love her, she's the one that inspired this post.
36: Favorite food?  Love penne vodka from Que Pasta.
37: Place you want to visit?  Next vacation I'd like to go to Hawaii.
38: Last place you were?  Last road trip was to Philly.
39: Do you have a crush?  Does my husband count lol?
40: Last time you kissed someone?  My friend's little one year old, Tre.
41: Last time you were insulted?  Can't really remember.
42: Favorite flavor of sweet?  Hello, my name is Miriam and I'm a Choco-holic.
43: What instruments do you play?  None well, but I do have an electric keyboard.

44: Favorite piece of jewelry?  My wedding band and engagement ring.
45: Last sport you played?  Something in gym class over ten years ago.
46: Last song you sang?  Something by MCR, can't remember cuz I just found out they broke up.
47: Favorite chat up line?  Um, "hi" then go from there.
48: Have you ever used it?  Yes, all the time.
49: Last time you hung out with anyone?  Few hours ago, was out at a birthday party.
50: Who should answer these questions next?  Anyone who dares, lol.  It was fun!  Hope you enjoy.

CD #9 / Sonohysterogram

First, I'd like to begin by saying that no news is good news in this case.  Dr R didn't find anything from my sonohysteogram, which is what I was hoping to hear.  I have been given the green light to proceed with the FET process and my meds have been ordered.  What a relief!!

Second, I'd like to share with you my experience with having a sonohysterogram.  Not really, but I will anyway because I truly hope that no one will go into this being half as scared and nervous as I was for reading horror story after horror story thanks to google.  Don't get me wrong, it WILL hurt but it's not like you're getting stabbed to death or anything (at least I really hope not).  Just do as I did, take your prescribed antibiotics as instructed and some Tylenol about an hour beforehand and you should be ok.  

A sonohysterogram is a basically a test by which your doctor can identify any abnormalities in your uterus such as fibroids, polyps, growths, or lesions in the uterine wall.  The test is usually performed within the first two weeks of your cycle but not while you are menstruating.  Mine was done on CD #9, which was yesterday.  I was scheduled to work long hours that particular day (8:15 am - 6:30 pm) so I had to have my test done during my lunch break which was unnecessarily stressful.  I was worried about being out too long, but I am lucky that my manager understood the importance of my appointment and was ok with me taking an extended break.  I arrived at Dr R's office a little late but didn't have to wait long to be called in to the exam room.  The nurse instructed me to undress from the waist down and that she would return with the doctor soon.  I immediately change from my warm comfortable pants and undies into a large pink piece of paper that I placed on my lap.  As I sat there waiting for what seemed like an eternity, I prayed and prayed for strength no matter what the outcome.  I hoped for the best, but wasn't naive enough to think that there wasn't any possibility for a worst case scenario.

Dr R knocked on the door before entering with the nurse.  He greeted me with a handshake and began walking me through the procedure as we went along.  Personally, I find this really helpful and reassuring because I can follow along with the process and not have to lie there baffled by the sensations of what's going on.  If I hadn't known what was actually taking place, my imagination would have driven me insane, but that's just me!  I placed my feet into the stirrups and lied down on my back.  He inserted a speculum in order to get the catheter through my vagina, cervix and finally into the uterus, then removed it.  The catheter is very, very thin but don't let the look of it fool you.  Your body will try to reject it as soon as it goes into the uterus and the cramps feel similar to the first day of your period.  My only advice is to try to relax and control your breathing.  The last thing you want to do is get tense.  Next, he injects a saline solution and as if that wasn't enough also inserts a sonogram wand thing in there too.  He positions the wand for a clear view of the uterus and lets me know that he doesn't see any abnormalities.  He shows me the screen and basically if the uterus looks like a black sideways teardrop, it's normal.  Any abnormalities would show up a white-ish color within the black teardrop.  Once that was done, the catheter was removed and he took some measurements of my ovaries, uterus, endometrial lining, etc. with the sonogram wand.  The whole process took about 10 minutes or so and was relatively painless except for the cramping and pressure you feel down there.  The only thing I'll warn you about is that for me the cramps did continue for the rest of the day.  Another thing is that I had to wear a pantyliner afterwards because the saline was still draining out.  Other than that, everything went well and I am happy to know that I'm one step closer.

I hope this post helps anyone getting a sonohysterogram soon and if there are any questions, I'd be happy to answer them.  When I began this blog I never really felt like anyone would read it but myself and maybe a select few people close to me, but now I see that if by sharing my experiences, I can ease someone else's future even just a little bit then I'm happy to do it.  I know I'm grateful for all the other women's stories I've read who have been on this journey like me.  You are all so inspiring, you have no idea.  Thanks a million!!    

CD #1

It's pretty late right now and I'm just about ready for bed, but I needed to document this moment while the excitement is still there, before reality sets in.  Today of the first day of my cycle and the beginning of my Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) process. 

My hubby, Leo, and I have decided to try to become pregnant again after almost 2 years and we are very hopeful that this time we will be successful.  I actually just had a consultation with Dr. R yesterday to go over the whole process for this time around and I will be posting more detailed information soon, but he basically said we could begin as soon as I get my next period.  To my surprise, I got my dot just a few hours ago.  Boy was that fast, my body is not wasting any time at all!  It's all good tho, I'm finally ready again and will be saying some prayers tonight for my little frozen babies.  I can't wait for us to be reunited and I will be calling Dr. R first thing in the morning to tell him the good news! 

Baby on the way

No, it's not mine but I couldn't be happier!!  One of my very best friends is expecting a December baby!  The happy couple just recently announced it publicly but I've known for some time now.  Last time I posted here, I was worried that I may be pregnant myself but as it turns out, it's just not my time.  This is actually the outcome I was expecting because I'm still somewhat struggling with the loss of my own little December angel. 

When she first told me the news of her pregnancy, I was really excited for her but I was also a tad bit worried that she would go through what I had to experience.  I wasn't trying to spoil the moment but I honestly couldn't help it.  I had to force that fear into submission immediately and instead focus on the positive, happy emotions I felt because the last thing I'd want to do is ruin this perfectly joyous announcement.  Thankfully, Mom and baby are doing great and that's all that matters!

Later on when I was back home, I said a little prayer for the newest mommy to be and it almost brought tears to my eyes as I briefly imagined how life could've been if things had turned out different.  Our kids would've been only a year apart, sharing a birthday in the same month (same as us since she and I are both April babies), and of course growing up together to become the best of friends.  As much as it pains me to think of all that I've lost, it gladdens me to think of all the wonderful things to come for her.  In the end, I think this event makes me feel a little more hopeful than I've felt in a long time.

I'm Back

It's hard to believe that almost a year has passed since I had to say goodbye to my little December angel.  It has definitely been one of the worst times of my life and it still feels sooo familiar, almost like it happened yesterday.

I honestly wonder how long it takes before it gets easier.  Actually, I have to say that I do a kick ass job of hiding the sadness and fear.  Just this past weekend, Leo was saying how happy he was that I overcame it all and how I'm so much stronger now because of it.  I just sat there thinking, really, is that what it looks like?  How can I appear so put together, confident, and cheerful, yet feel so undone, sad and afraid?  I guess the truth of the matter is that I have so much dependent on me that I don't really have a choice but to keep on moving.  The way I see it is, I can live with the heartache as long as I can spare anyone else the pain.  But lately, it's getting harder to hold back.

Since the first time I got my dot after the miscarriage until about last March (does that even make sense?), my dot has been somewhat normal. Not exactly clockwork, but pretty predictable.  I use an app on my phone called MyDays to track the days but for some odd reason, I failed to enter the dates for my March dot.  It's happened before and normally I just catch up the following month.  No big deal, right?  Wrong, it's now May 7 and I'm still waiting!  The possibility that I could get pregnant the traditional way is almost out of the question, but still, since we don't use any kind of birth control I took a drugstore brand pregnancy test on April 30 just to be sure.  It came up negative, which was perfect because I don't think I'm ready to start all over yet.  That was about a week ago and today, in a burst of anxiety, I took to the internet to assess the situation.  Boy, was I surprised to read that so many women got false negatives on a pregnancy test!  Not only that, but that blood tests even give false negatives sometimes.  Some women have claimed not to have gotten a confirmed pregnancy result until several weeks later.  Now I sit here even more confused than when I started.  I guess my next move will be to try to take another test and then make a doctor appointment.  Maybe next time I should spring for a better brand test like First Response or Clear Blue, but I really didn't think it would make a difference.  The box I bought had 2 so I might as well just use the one I already have and see what happens.  I think I'll put if off until next weekend since this Thursday, Leo and I will be celebrating our 4 year wedding anniversary.  We just celebrated the fact that we've been together for 10 years now, last week on May 3!!  It's so crazy how time flies.